[POEM] Kids Say "The Darnedest Things"

This is a Question and Answer poem. A mother is preparing her son for bed. While being tucked in, the child starts asking a lot of questions. Mom's answers ("A") are left to the imagination.

The Darnedest Things

Mommy will you tell me the bedtime story about the warrior?

A…

Why does it always start with a beautiful princess? Not all princesses are beautiful. Stephanie, in my class, dressed like a princess for Halloween last year and she’s gross. She should’ve dressed as Miss Piggy.

A…

No way! She smells like bacon. I’m going to marry Ashley. She’s hot and has legs for days.

A…

Why? That’s what daddy said about the babysitter one time. She wears that red stuff on her lips and always smells nice. How come you don’t look like her?

A…

Like the princess in the story? Then you married daddy and stopped trying? That’s what my teacher Ms. Honeycutt said.

A…

Yea, you’re right. She is jealous. She even said her and daddy would’ve made beautiful babies. Mommy, where do babies come from?

A…

No, not the love part. When do they have sex?

A…

Remember when you and daddy used to wrestle all the time?

A…

Why did you stop?

A…

You should start again. I don’t want you to end up like Billy’s parents. He said they stopped wrestling and started yelling instead, and now he only gets to see his dad on weekends. Maybe you should start wearing that perfume stuff. Will you wash your hair tomorrow and make yourself look pretty?

A…

Mommy, who is Alley Moany?

...Mommy, what’s adul-ter-y?

...What is wedlock?

...Mommy… can you hear me?